To anyone who has grown up in a narcissistic system,

who got injured by a narcissistic partner

or who suffered any other kind of abuse or neglect:

You deserve safety

You deserve respect

You deserve privacy

You deserve that your basic needs are being met

You deserve compassion

You deserve tenderness

You deserve the right to make mistakes

You deserve to start over

You deserve to set boundaries

You deserve to have peace

You deserve to be loved

You deserve unconditional acceptance

You deserve to design your own life

You deserve to say “No” to abuse

You deserve to walk away

You deserve to be free

You deserve – because you are human

Your deserve- just because you are YOU 

“I have done my best today -and the rest, I forgive”…

So much has come at me today, so many tasks, challenges, people…

I have met everything as best I could, and what I have missed – I forgive…

I let my feelings come and honor them the best I am able, and those that are too much – I let go…

I watch my thoughts come by like clouds blown along fast by strong winds. I take those that are life giving – and I let go of the rest…

As the evening comes, and the night welcomes me softly as if wrapping me in a warm blanket, I whisper to myself: “I have done well today, and I forgive the rest”…

And then I let go. I surrender to the friend, the rhythm of my breath called “sleep”…

She did not have a mattress,

Only the lower part – and that was wood.

It was cold in the house

But thankfully they had a roof – and water.

Born in 1940, she had grown up with little.

And now there was nothing in the fridge

And her son had Covid, sleeping in the back

of the home, struggling to breathe.

Some milk and bread –

“Bread soaked in milk” is what she grew up on back in Germany.

Now living in the US,

She needed food, and other basic items.

Getting a mattress delivered,

And milk, bread and eggs –

Right to her home.

She had not had Christmas this year,

But now it had arrived.

No longer sleeping on wood,

having her dignity restored.

These must have been wise men or women

visiting her manger –

Just a little different this year.

“I did not know I need safety”

Many people are experiencing multiple losses in their families. Others are living in traumatic circumstances, so used to abuse, devaluation and manipulation, that safety, vulnerability or intimacy are not something they know.

As our culture and world are going through more than two years of complex trauma, the impact is felt everywhere. There are so many sudden deaths, so many middle aged or young people losing their parents. There is so much trauma on top of trauma.

“Be a small light in this dark world.”

“Be a safe space for someone who has never known or who has lost safety.

A poem for the new week:

No matter what – love yourself!

Sometimes what looks terrible

can actually become a new opportunity…

Or what seems the end of the world

becomes the beginning of a new way of living…

When we are in these transition times

grieving the known that has come to an end

And facing the unknown that we have not met nor begun to trust yet

We are “in limbo”, in “no man’s land”,

in nomadic territory, travelling on seemingly without direction…

And yet, in the depth of our soul

And interconnected with the Universe

we are being prepared

For a new beginning

For a new life

For new connections

For new places to call “home”

No matter what – love yourself!

Hold on and trust

The new path that will open before you,

The new life that awaits you.

No matter what – love yourself and reach out to community.

There are so many like you “in limbo” right now…

Completely burned out, not thinking straight anymore,15 hour work days

Not being able to sleep, trauma brain on constant signal, always afraid

Always waiting for the next shoe to drop, and then it comes: The next wave, on autopilot

Guilty for not doing more, loyal while slowly vanishing, soothing with meds, sometimes alc

But nothing works anymore, controlling the uncontrollable, breaking down, but no one sees

Losing the battle, too many battles against Covid, having been changed forever

Not knowing what “normal” feels like anymore, exhausted beyond belief

Feeling despair, on a sinking ship, nearly two years of complex trauma, the body, the brain will never be the same

Burn out beyond belief, How long, God,

…how long?

Becoming…

I love the word “becoming”- it includes the word “be”, which is a holy word as the God of Jewish/Christian history introduces as “I am”.

“Being” means “not doing”. “Being” means “not having”. “Being” is an awesome experience of the “here and now”.

“Coming” means “movement from the future”. “Coming” means “something arrives and I do not have to force it”. “Coming” is the awesome experience of “the future and now becoming one”.

“Be-coming” then means that our essence, the core of who we are is fully present, fully there (though we often do not know this space in us well).

“Be-coming” means that our essence, our core is being met by the future with its endless possibilities.

And the “I am” smiles at us humans, and at creation and whispers: “Become”!

My ancestor Dorothea Erdmuth von Zinzendorf died at the age of 56. She had shortly before lost her 24 year old son Christian after before losing 5 children all in infancy. Now her daughter Benigna was the only child left. Her husband had been travelling on different mission trips for many years without much communication being possible back then when you lived apart.

She must have felt deeply lonely and grieving, the “Mother” of the Moravian church. A biography describes how she just “gave up”, exhausted and died.

I am 56 now, and I just lost my marriage of 24 years. I feel a deep connection with my ancestor, my great-grandmother. She founded the Moravian church with her husband in 1722, exactly 300 years ago.

As I am breathing deeply through my pain, and with the help of therapy, yoga, meditation, my daughters and my communities have found new joy and strength to move forward, I am thinking of her. This blog, this year, my new beginning is dedicated to my ancestor, this amazingly strong, pious, lonely and in the end despairing and fading (letting go) woman.

I know she is smiling at me, as I am starting my new life at 56. I will live on with joy and strength, also for you, my beloved namesake.

“Put yourself on the wish list” the advertisers say on New Year’s Eve, hoping I would buy a new car perhaps.

What do I wish for myself this year?

I only want one thing: “I want to be fully present.”

Present to feel my emotions and then let them go. Present to smell and taste. Present to breathe deeply.

Present without the inbreaking of the past or future. Present without already rushing to the next thing to do. Present without worrying about my life or judging myself or others.

Present to love deeply and intensely. Present to pause and just “be”. Present and putting the “here and now” on my wish list.

Yes, “here and now” – that is “me”!

The back pillow that grounds me, holds me, supports me – a symbol for the invisible strength that is available to me every day.

Interwoven – my inner strength and the outer strength, flowing toward me like soundwaves – arriving in my heart as reminder that I am not alone.

I am part of all of creation – visible and invisible, embedded, grounded, strengthened by the awareness that no matter what will come toward me this New Year – I am surrounded and held by invisible, compassionate powers… grateful!