So precious

Thich Nhat Hanh’s

continuation

after his physical leaving

has moved my heart this past week.

In January 2000, my biological father

transitioned in a similar way,

peacefully drifting from this side of the veil

to the other.

Both men embodied their teaching.

Both have impacted me deeply.

My tears fall fresh for Thay,

my spiritual guide who I adopted in 2020.

My tears fall again for my “Papa”,

whose spirit has nurtured mine

since his leaving in 2000.

So precious…

Precious beyond words:

to know them,

to behold them,

to emulate them,

to breathe and to walk for them.

So precious…

Sometimes we worry about the future:

we anticipate challenges,

we fear obstacles,

we dread change.

How to prepare?

We sit in this very moment:

we breathe deeply,

we become one with our body,

we smile at ourselves.

We practice letting go:

of our racing thoughts,

of our negative predictions.

We are present in this very moment

and don’t allow our pain body

to dictate the future – that is not even real.

We practice breathing deeply,

calming our nervous system,

feeling peace enter our heart,

smiling and promising ourselves:

“I will be present, just like this,

in every change that will come.”

Waking up I re-enter my life,

dreams lingering

silence and heaviness of body

relaxed and perceptive

My mind beings to spin,

my emotions kick in

I remember the turbulence

of what I call “my life”.

Peace in my sleep space,

restlessness in my awakening.

“Just breathe” I remind myself

and reconnect with that inner space,

that dream space,

the space where my Spirit and the Universe

unite as one.

“Breathing in” I say “I have done enough”

“Breathing out” I hear “I have enough”

and resting peacefully in my breathing

I am held in the knowing “I am enough”.

I release…

I release the images I held of myself,

my pride of being this or that,

the roles that defined me.

They have come to an end.

Our roles are just meant to be doors

to pass through to another space.

Our images of ourselves

are meant to be released over and over again.

Not getting stuck in the past

is an art, a practice that is hard at times.

Hard to accept that the past is over.

Hard to release those images and roles of myself.

And yet, unless I let go and release,

the past will cling to me like “tar”

sticky, seductive, limiting and even hostage keeping.

I release the images I hold of myself and of others.

I release my fear and pride while holding my current roles lightly,

ready to surrender when life asks me to.

I release – I am free to just “be” me…

This very moment will never come back…

This moment invites me

to taste

to see

to feel

to be present

fully present…

This moment holds all moments

that came before…

This moment holds all the transformations

that are still to come…

Savoring this moment,

being calm, being still…

Even when on the outside the storms of life roar,

Even when on the inside the pain-body gets stirred…

This very moment

invites me

to know in the depth of my soul:

This is the only moment…

Trauma bond

A bond and attachment that happens

During traumatic experiences

is a “trauma bond”.

It sets a pattern of seeing danger everywhere,

of creating drama, and anticipating and participating

in trauma on a regular basis.

Relationships with a trauma bond

are often exhausting, toxic, dependent and chaotic.

Healing a trauma bonded relationship

needs to start with providing a safe space.

Sometimes boundaries or no contact

are the only path to healing.

Each person in the trauma bond

has a personal and unique recovery journey ahead.

Step one is to realize: “I am living in trauma bond,

and I want to get out!”

(A tribute to Thich Nhat Hanh who died yesterday January 21, 2022 at the age of 95 )

Breathing in

Breathing out

My loved one arrives in my breath

I invite him in.

Present, my loved one’s breath

Merges with mine.

My mind has been transformed by the one I loved.

My feelings, my heart has been healed by the one I loved.

Breathing in, I am aware that my loved one

is present in every cell in my body.

Breathing out, I relax my body.

My loved one is present in the peace that fills my body.

I come back to myself … breathing in.

I take refuge in my own Island … breathing out.

My loved one is breathing in me and through me…

There is no death, only continuation…

There is only transformation…

“This inner void”

Feeling empty inside

Incomplete,

Yearning,

Missing something or someone

But not being sure what or whom…

My inner child’s wounds

Feel like an empty spot

Right at my heart or in my gut,

Feeling the neglect,

Feeling the abuse,

Yearning for attention, for acceptance,

For the love that makes one feel wanted and complete…

Becoming that parent voice

Speaking into that empty hole,

Gently, compassionately,

“You are chosen”, “You are mine”

“I will never leave you”

“I will always care for you”

“You are special and you can grow roots

In our love relationship”…

Me and myself…

Filling that inner emptiness…

Parenting my wounded self…

Loving my yearning self…

Embracing my abandoned self…

Letting her/him/them come home…

At last…

And heal, and rest…

My mind starts racing, telling me all the things I have to do…

I refuse to let my mind take over,

I breathe deeply and relax my body.

My feelings kick in, stirring in me old wounds, fears and worries…

I refuse to let my feelings take me over,

I breathe deeply and relax my body,

I breathe out, I relax, I let go…

I breathe in, I settle into my body…

“I am here, I am now”.

“I am light. I am love…”

I am not my mind.

I am not my feelings.

I am the observer, kindly and compassionately

Inviting me to just “be”…

No pressure, no judgment, no expectations…

Just joy and peace: in the “here and now”

You are not what happened to you…

You are more than the sum of your pain or injuries:

You are the Spirit that sees and heals the pain.

You are not what abusive and neglectful voices tell you about yourself:

You are the beautiful Spirit and Body that walks away.

You are more than you know and thought you can be:

You are your future encapsulated in the “here and now”,

filled with bountiful potential.

You are the awareness:

That no patterns, no circumstances, no restraining forces will stop you

from becoming who you are meant to be.